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That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
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Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Breaking news:
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!