They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
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i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?