Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
You Might Also Like
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
The A string on my guit_r is flat
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card