Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
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My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.