My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
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Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion