Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
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My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms