If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
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“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Support your local cemetery
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
I think this should do it.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?