Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
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Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start