Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
You Might Also Like
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
A game married people play.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.