As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
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My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
This is my pinned tweet
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.