[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
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[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
how long have you had this for?
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.