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Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
This is my pinned tweet
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Still cracks me up
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
🤣🤣💀
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
#FunnyLife Insects