Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
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my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.