[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
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[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Education is vital
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
My current situation
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.