You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
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give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless