*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
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first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Not recommended for beginners.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day