“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
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When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
A dead goose is called a ghoost
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Remember folks 😂
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.