Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
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Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Smells like a challenge to me
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
taking June’s advice to heart
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
This could be us, but you weedin’.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
wow he looks just like him
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor