Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
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[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Netflix and awkward silence?
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!