Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
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#titanic
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
I am, perchance
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings