Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
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if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Tony Hawk, age 6
rise and shine we got egg
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Shoo shoo! 😂
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat