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“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
What?
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me: