Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
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soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.