totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
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me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.