Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
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Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*