[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
You Might Also Like
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane