Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
You Might Also Like
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
crazy
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?