Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
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Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?