T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
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I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Me, reading some of your tweets
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*