I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!