You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
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*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.