me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
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Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.