Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
You Might Also Like
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
work smarter, not harder
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Sharon I have some bad news
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.