A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
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[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.