“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
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I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…