9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
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Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
sounds kinky. i’m in.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?