It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
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my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch