The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
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You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Beware of fowl play.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.