Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
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Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.