WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
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*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me: