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According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Just a phase…
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?