Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
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Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Friday
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.