All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
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ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Dance like you’re not the father
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”