Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
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omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come