[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
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I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”