Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
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I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
✌️
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….