“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
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Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
I’m aging like a fine banana
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
This is not me but this is me
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice