[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
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a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.