Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
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[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Haha good job!!
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.