[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
You Might Also Like
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
I ate everything, including the H.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
i’m sure it’s fine
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies